By Ask a parent in a two-household family about where all their tupperware goes and where the cute new outfit they bought for their kid disappeared to and the number of times they’ve had to drive back to the other house to get something that a kid forgot to bring and needs desperately for school or sports.
You’re sure to get an earful.
It’s an immediate connection point for those of us who wonder why we have so many lids that don’t match and so many more forks than spoons. We throw our hands up in a shrug of acceptance. It is what it is. Might as well get used to it.
Today I’m looking at sunglasses on the counter.
My son left his $70 polarized Huk fishing sunglasses at my house. He’s at his mom’s this weekend. As I type, I’m wondering if he’ll stop by to grab them when he goes fishing. Maybe he’ll pick up the fishing poles he left in the garage, too. (Update: He did stop by, and yes, he grabbed his poles, too.)
I feel bad for my kids as they haul gear back and forth for the 5-2-2-5 schedule they’ve been following for the last decade of their lives. They have two different rooms, two different closets, two of everything that they can’t take back and forth with them. Some things they only have at one house or the other – video games at their mom’s, woodworking tools at dad’s.
It’s all they know now, so at this point they’re used to it. I don’t hear them complain about it anymore, although sometimes it’s frustrating and even heartbreaking when they need something from the other house and we can’t get it – like when my son hit a homerun to win the game in the last inning of the last game of the season with two outs and the bases loaded. That was a moment to remember, but there’s more to it than just a grand slam memory.
That day, his baseball cap was at his mom’s and we didn’t realize it until it was too late, so he is the only one on his team who isn’t wearing the official team cap. He points it out whenever we showcase that photo. I wonder how those moments in time will shift for him as he ages. Will he always notice his hat in the picture, or will that be left to only me?
Could that have happened in a one-household family? Absolutely. It just feels a little more painful when it’s the result of a two-household situation.
Even though we have some extra complexities and heart tugging moments of frustration, we are a thriving, loving and resourceful family. Contrary to what some politicians are saying very loudly in this election cycle about family – what family should look like, what mom/dad roles should be, and how kids turn out when they aren’t raised in the “right kind of family” – I’m proud of who my kids are becoming, and I’m pretty sure that they are going to turn out okay, even though they’re from a two-household family.
If your kids are in a similar multi-household family situation, I’m pretty sure they’re going to be okay, too. (Of course we can’t know for sure, and “okay” means different things to different people. The point is, most kids turn out okay and some growing pains can lead to tremendous development early on in life. And let’s face it, some kids from one-household families don’t turn out “okay” by those same traditional standards. It’s a more nuanced and complicated issue and trite/rude/inappropriate/ignorant comments by those in the spotlight do nothing but harm the collective.)
I’d like to offer this opinion: Instead of causing the downfall of America, multi-household families might actually make kids more independent, build self-reliance and encourage them to be responsible. It could give them a wider variety of experiences and cultivate adaptability, all of which are critically important skills to have in a rapidly changing world. (Yes, they might need a little therapy along the way to help them cope with the pain of complicated parental relationships, but who doesn’t need some therapy at some time or another? Most of the adults I know who are benefiting from therapy come from one-household families.)
That’s why the family focus of this election cycle has caught my attention so distinctly in the last few weeks.
We have one party with a presidential candidate who is a stepmom and a vice presidential candidate who needed scientific assistance to start his family.
That fits Melinda and me pretty darn well. That’s us.
We have one party with a presidential candidate who is a stepmom and a vice presidential candidate who needed scientific assistance to start his family.
The other party has denigrated both stepparenting and scientifically-assisted conception. Among other things.
We would like to say to all of you multi-household families: You matter. You are first class, not second. You are raising amazing kids. You are overcoming challenges and developing character in yourself and your kids in ways that will grow kindness and joy and hope and peace in a world filled with hatred and chaos and clamorous power grabs.
I imagine that like us, you are having the difficult conversations with your kids. Maybe you have sat on the stairs with your seven year old, too, while she asks you late at night why bad things happen. There is a deep space of knowledge, acceptance and growth happening with children who are faced with divorce or a parental split. Perhaps you are also offering up curiosity over judgment as a lens through which to see the world.
So whether you are a single dad, a single mom, a stepparent, or someone raising a child in a way that you never pictured when you yourself were growing up, we hold out our arms in an embrace toward you. In fact, that embrace goes out to those who aren’t raising kids, too, whether you are childless or childfree.
You are strong. You are wise. You are making a difference.
The world needs parents like you, partners like you. Keep moving forward. Never give up. Ruck on.
Israel and Melinda 